


That Is Your World

by 1treehill



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 15:08:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16495019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1treehill/pseuds/1treehill
Summary: Holden Ford's life starts to spiral out of control.





	That Is Your World

**Author's Note:**

> This is Holden's point of view of the last episodes of Mindhunter

That Is Your World

Holden recalls how it all started, back when he met Bill. No, to be honest, it actually started with Cody Miller, the naked hostage taker. Holden attempted to talk the man into releasing his hostage without bloodshed, and thought he was making strides until Miller took his own life, splattering his brains all over the scene. Holden comes home and finds some blood on his cuff, suddenly transforming into Lady Macbeth, guiltily attempting to scrub blood off his conscience. The sound of gunfire still makes him jump, which is kind of a liability as an FBI agent. 

Miller is Holden’s first real failure. Despite his superiors saying the situation ended successfully since the hostage was unharmed, Holden can read between the lines. He’s basically demoted to instructor, taken out of the field.

Holden finds sleep elusive since Miller’s suicide. He’s always been vulnerable to bouts of insomnia, even as a child. He is accustomed to pretending to be asleep so he won’t bother his parents. But living alone, he tosses and turns, waking himself up from nightmares featuring vague but menacing acts of violence. Nothing seems to help, though he isn’t willing to go beyond over-the-counter sleep aids.

But then Bill Tench approaches him in the cafeteria. Holden recalls his nervousness and insecurity when the older man walked up to his table. Bill radiated confidence and ease. Plus, he’s a big, older man. Holden felt like a kid, and he knows he came across as ridiculous when he told Bill he didn’t smoke when he ate, and didn’t smoke when he didn’t eat. Holden just wants the man to like him. He knows how generally unlikable he is. He rarely has any close friends and hasn’t had many girlfriends. Whatever Bill can offer him seems potentially better than what he currently has. And as soon as Bill speaks the words “Behavioral Science Unit,” Holden’s spine tingles with excitement.

And he meets Debbie, a fiercely intelligent, beautiful, sexually adventurous young woman, and despite her constant needling, she seems to like him very much. She enjoys being in control, in and out of bed, and Holden finds that he enjoys that too, very much. She teaches him how to please her, sexually, intellectually. Everything seems to be going his way.

The interviews with Kemper boost Holden’s confidence greatly. Nervous, and called out as such, at first, he falls into a sort of friendly bond with the massive killer, which, okay, is strange but nevertheless satisfying. And Wendy’s arrival and her clear approval of their interviews feel so wonderful. Along with the surprising funding coming their way, Holden has never experienced anywhere near this level of success. It is… intoxicating.

But Holden wants to take their project further. It’s one thing to categorize and attempt to understand these repeat killers after the fact. But it would be incredible if they could use this information to predict future killers, prevent future murders. So when Principal Roger Wade invites him to give a presentation to a class, he accepts instantly. These children have the opportunity to be the first generation to identify certain personality types before they can develop into murderers, before they have a chance to kill a single soul.

The reality of the school visit turns out very differently, from the vocabulary restrictions to the children’s disappointing lack of interest in informing on their classmates. Holden is amused but humbled. Roger Wade is another thing altogether though. A teacher’s report of Wade tickling and then giving change to students disturbs Holden, but it hardly seems the business of the FBI. Still, the possibility of Wade’s behavior escalating to abuse, especially given his authority, looms large in Holden’s mind. Is preemptive stopping of crime even possible? That is one of the exciting aspects of their research and study of these criminals— the possibilities inherent.

But aside from the tickling, Wade clearly excels at his job and obviously loves the children at his school. The students are flourishing academically, and most of the teachers and parents approve of him. Plus, Wade has not committed a crime. Yet. Is it possible that this situation simply does not correlate with the BSU’s project at all? When Holden brings up his concerns to Bill, the older man disapproves of Holden’s interference and doesn’t understand why Holden even considers intervening.

Bill also refuses to return to Oregon for a second Jerry Brudos interview. In anger, Holden calls Bill a pussy and fragile, which he doesn’t regret, but certainly later feels childish about. He doesn’t understand Bill’s need to spend even more time with his family. This is one trip, and Bill spends every night with Nancy and Brian. Holden definitely feels Bill pulling away from him physically and emotionally.

Lately, Bill seems perpetually angry at Holden, even before Holden has said or done anything that could be construed as annoying. And he is becoming distant. This version of Bill reminds Holden of his own father, always on the verge of shouting at him or sometimes hitting him. Holden would eventually realize that he deserved the treatment, what with his inability to understand or respect the limits of other people’s patience with him. So, the situation is not an unfamiliar one. Nevertheless, he misses the camaraderie of the recent past, when Holden would wake up from an unscheduled nap on an airplane with his arm or his head casually touching Bill.

The Brudos interview plays out much better than expected. Holden goes with his intuition and changes the point of view of the questions to third person. Achieving the necessary distance from the horrifying acts of violence, Brudos talks freely of his early fetishizing of shoes and even what he did with his victims. Holden feels excited and emboldened. All this without any help from Bill, he thinks with more than a little bit of satisfaction and anger.

After Gregg is hired in the BSU, Holden discovers that Bill and Wendy were looking for a full-time field agent, not just a transcriber. Even though he took himself out of the hiring process, Holden feels like the odd man out again, bringing up the idea that Gregg is probably acting as Shepard’s mole. Bill and Wendy treat Holden’s suspicions as ridiculous and paranoid.

But it’s Gregg who, while tagging along with Holden on his side investigation of Wade, urges Holden to try the direct method and confront Roger Wade, and from his position of authority, order him to stop the tickling and the paying out of money. Holden decides on the spur of the moment to attempt to wield his authority to stop what could one day turn into dangerous behavior. It seems so simple to Holden.

Wade reacts with hostility and anger. He tells Holden a person must choose between trust and fear, suggesting Holden lives in a world full of fear and lies. Holden believes he’s living in the real world and is frustrated that Wade can’t simply accept his authority and his advice and cease the activities that have become a concern to some teachers and parents. Holden feels frustrated, unable to prevent wrongdoing on even this level of crime.

Of course, Gregg proves Holden out to be the rat he suspected he was by informing on him to Shepard regarding his investigation of Wade. Shepard rakes Holden over the coals, to no one’s surprise. Holden tries to hold in his temper, knowing that Shepard has always shown himself to be old-fashioned and straight-laced about everything. Old school FBI, unable to open himself to ideas Holden feels forming in his brain.

More surprising are Bill and Wendy’s reactions. They call him unprofessional, actually ganging up on him. Holden truly believes he is doing the right thing, only acting to protect the children. And when he attempts to convince Bill of this, he uses Brian as an example. What if this happened to Brian? And Bill reacts as if Holden put Brian literally in danger. It seems Bill doesn’t want Holden even rhetorically near his son. Frankly, Holden feels hurt by this. He’s being treated like a rebellious teenager, given a lecture by his stick-in-the-mud parents. It’s insulting and isolating. Holden feels very alone.

When the call comes in from the school board asking Holden’s advice on Roger Wade, Holden is surprised and still somewhat confused. His intuition tells him to just let it happen. He never says the words “Roger Wade should be fired,” but it feels like he does. Holden’s only regret is in being so passive-aggressive. Bill and Wendy and Shepard might doubt him, but the school board gladly takes his advice to heart. It feels like a big “fuck you” to everyone doubting him, and it feels good.

That night, Holden cannot sleep. Doubt creeps in with the darkness. Sometimes he feels like he’s making it all up, putting on his investigator persona like he puts on his suit. He’s reminded of Debbie’s Goffman textbook, “The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life.” Goffman says everyone wears masks to make other people comfortable. In Holden’s case, it is to make himself comfortable. Or to make himself successful. Or authoritative. If he’s just acting all the time in life, who is he really? In bed, when Debbie’s not there, when Bill and his parents are physically and psychologically distant, these thoughts make Holden’s breath quicken, make his body sweat and tremble a bit. There’s no sleep on nights like this.

Holden can’t remember a time in his adult life when he wasn’t fascinated by Richard Speck, and he cannot believe he is about to meet the infamous killer. The prison in Joliet, Illinois, is so horrifying and the sight of the man so overwhelming that Holden sits quietly for a long time while Bill asks all the questions. Speck sits in his chair, cradling a small bird in his hands, completely ignoring them.

Holden puts on his murderer fanboy persona, which isn’t difficult, and suddenly asks Speck if he can see his tattoo. Holden is just barely pretending actually. He really wants to see it. And for the first time during the interview so far, Speck responds, with humor, agreeing, saying, “Come here, little boy” to Holden. The next part calls for more acting though. He remembers Debbie’s advice about using wiles and mirroring. Holden slides down to Speck’s literal level and asks the killer, “What right did you have taking eight ripe cunts out of this world?”

Bill’s reaction is visible shock. Speck is completely amused, calling Holden crazy. Holden’s fake empathy works. The man starts talking, and it all goes so well, until the bird hits the fan.

On the flight back to Virginia, Holden feels happy, exhilarated in almost a hyper way. All his ideas are being vindicated in these interviews. He’s getting results. Then Bill turns to him and tells him to lose the first three minutes of the tape of the interview. Holden sees nothing wrong with his verbiage. He knows he was acting, and that it got a good response out of Speck. He doesn’t think anyone will care, but Bill is very insistent. He seems to think he’s protecting Holden. Holden thinks Bill may be protecting Holden from Wendy.

Bill moves physically further away from Holden in the days after the Speck interview. Into an office. A move up and away.

Roger Wade’s wife unexpectedly pays Holden and Debbie a visit at Holden’s apartment. She is full of recrimination and disgust. Holden doesn’t expect such a personal consequence to his passive actions. He still doesn’t feel quite guilty, but he feels sad and confused. He tells Mrs. Wade that he did not do anything to get Wade fired, which is literally true, but feels like a terrible lie. Holden doesn’t tell Debbie what happened. She wouldn’t understand, and he wants to be the man she wants him to be, and he wants her approval.

Gregg, unsurprisingly, proves easy to manipulate. Holden convinces him to redact Holden’s line about ripe cunts, the part Bill is so insistent that they should erase from existence. Holden is convinced there’s nothing wrong with his language, but he follows Bill’s advice.

Wendy, suspicious, listens to the tape anyway and is disgusted and angry about Holden’s attitude and process. Holden defends himself and reminds them that this entire project was his idea. He feels a twinge of embarrassment as the words leave his lips and enter the air, but he stands by them. Holden doesn’t understand why Wendy and Bill won’t back him up. Wendy wants transparency, but Bill simply says, “Burn it.” Then they both slam their office doors on Holden, who can only sit at his desk in the middle of the common area.

In Adairsville, Georgia, a 12-year-old majorette is raped and murdered, and some solid investigative work leads to Gene Deveare. The man passes a lie detector test, but Bill and Holden are certain of the man’s guilt. Holden recognizes Deveare as a classic narcissist and knows exactly how to squeeze a confession out of him. But this will take more than acting out a part. Holden masterfully sets up a scenario and directs each component of the play in a way that will lead certainly to Deveare admitting his guilt. It’s almost like a sting, where every detail sets in motion a domino effect leading to an unavoidable conclusion.

Again, Holden takes the role of empathetic investigator. He even starts to drawl his words out like Deveare, talking about how sexually appealing younger girls are. Then he uses his props, especially the murder weapon, a large rock, to great effect. And it works beautifully.

“Everybody has a rock.” What is Holden’s though? Another question for another lonely night.

Debbie, who’s been spending less and less time with Holden lately, accuses Holden of coercion. She thinks Holden decides what’s true beforehand and then manipulates situations and people to match that truth.

Holden is feeling a lot of self-confidence, but he’s also sleeping less and less. Debbie’s absence has something to do with it. But Holden wonders if he’s letting these killers get to him subconsciously. He has nightmares of vague violence, or specific violence— Cody Miller’s head exploding in almost comical viscera. Sometimes Holden dreams he’s the one committing violent acts.

But there’s a thrilling feeling that comes from trying to understand these sad, horrifying men. He’s been avoiding Kemper, sensing something creepy but indistinct about the large man’s interest in him. But Kemper keeps sending him greeting cards, and Holden likes the fact that he doesn’t send any to Bill. So Holden puts the cards up in Bill’s office. Holden doesn’t have an office, and he uses that as an excuse, but he does it mostly because he knows it annoys Bill.

Then Debbie breaks up with Holden. He sees it coming a mile away. Or did she break up with him? He remembers Sherlock Holmes-ing his way out of a girlfriend in a spectacular passive-aggressive implosion. Debbie sits and drinks her wine while Holden talks and talks and changes the future forever for himself and Debbie.

Holden is unrepentantly honest in his meeting with the OPR. He’s not embarrassed or regretful about the Speck interview. He admits to everything, even saying about Gregg, “I asked him to lie with my eyes.” Holden’s control has gone beyond the verbal. The only thing Holden lies about is Bill’s part in excising the offending sentence from the transcript. He takes full responsibility. But then he’s told that Bill called his behavior “troubling.”

After the meeting, Holden asks Bill what he told the OPR, and Bill answers, “The truth.” Holden wonders if Bill means the truth about Bill’s part in the coverup or the truth that Holden is becoming a problem. Or perhaps both? Holden recalls their road trip friendship for a brief moment, but it seems like an eon ago. Bill is just another authority figure in Holden’s life that doesn’t approve of him. 

Before he knows it, Holden finds himself on a plane to Sacramento. Kemper has named him as his proxy and attempted suicide. Holden is nearly certain this is a bald play for attention, but here he is on the plane, exhausted, confused. He goes to the restroom and sees himself in the small mirror— dark circles under his eyes, disheveled. What part is he playing now? He can’t answer that question.

But it feels good to do something on his own, without a meeting to decide if it’s prudent, without putting much thought into it. He feels drawn to Kemper, almost feels guilty about ignoring the cards.

At the prison hospital, Kemper in the ICU looks surprisingly healthy. His legs are chained to the bed, but otherwise this is the closest Holden’s ever come to the big man. Holden walks in and plops himself down in the chair next to Kemper’s bed with exhaustion, as if Kemper were an old friend he could finally relax with.

But Kemper is clearly unhappy with the newspaper article where Holden dropped his name despite the fact that Holden has been avoiding him for months. “You said you were my friend,” Kemper says, sounding hurt. “I started you down this path,” he says, echoing Holden’s earlier bravado when he was arguing with Bill and Wendy. Holden regrets making that connection, and also regrets the publicity and his own loud mouth.

Holden is unsure what he is doing. He feels completely out of control. His suit is a crumpled mess. He doesn’t know who he’s supposed to be right now,. 

Kemper sets the stage for a confrontation by asking Holden to come closer to look at his self-inflicted arm wound. Then the killer puts his large feet flat on the ground. He suddenly stands, chain rattling. That’s when Holden notices they are alone. The doctors and nurses have unbelievably disappeared. Kemper boxes Holden in between his large body and the hospital bed.

Holden becomes in that instant a ball of fear— teeth grinding, eyes welling up with unshed tears, lips trembling. He can barely comprehend what Kemper is saying. Something about spirit wives and killing him and doing interesting things to his body. He senses the explicit, existential threat to himself though, and he knows he’s lost total control of the scene. More so, he realizes he never had any control to begin with. And he’s beyond understanding, beyond any intellectual reckoning.

Kemper hugs Holden, pats him on the back like Holden is a good boy. Holden can’t breathe. He can only push the huge monster off of him and stumble down the hall, trying desperately to catch his breath, hearing the angry words of everybody around him the past few days. Words of warning. Words of hostility. The last he remembers is Wade telling him, “That is your world, and it has made you paranoid.” Then he is dying on the floor, and he doesn’t understand what’s killing him.


End file.
